how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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