you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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