I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
We smell like vodka and hangover
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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