best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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