Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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