Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
