Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
