Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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