ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize