weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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