i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
