you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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