Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
