Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
