I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
