high people should be assigned attendants
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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