is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
