He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
