Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
