His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
