I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the room spins SO much faster in panama
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
