the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
