Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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