So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
