Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
