would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
