Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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