I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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