my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
