Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
