I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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