The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
