if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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