I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I touched a dick in church today
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