if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
