i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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