i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
