i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
