Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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