Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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