she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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