the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
