The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
