I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
