after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
