My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize