Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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