My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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