Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm sobbing to NWA
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
