I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
