it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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