I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
