I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
