i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
