Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
