It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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