Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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