Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize