I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am one with the molecules
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
