Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
