Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
