well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
