Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
