My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
