I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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