god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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